Musings · Uncategorized

When I worry about Nothing

I have anxiety. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never actually officially been diagnosed with it, I have it.

Like, right now I feel it. It’s like butterflies in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I’m not doing anything stressful right now, in fact I’m just sitting in a chair, but the anxiety is there. My body clearly thinks something is wrong and my mind is starting to jump from one thought to another.

It’s slowly creeping in on me and I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop it. I’m trying to tell myself that nothing is wrong, that I have nothing to worry about, but my body isn’t listening to reason.

When I get like this, all I want to do is curl up, watch television or read a book, and forget about things for a while. I want my brain to shut off but, unfortunately I can’t do that right now. So, instead, I’m trying to figure out what the source of this anxiety is. Nothing is due, everything is organized, and there are no problems.

So why do I feel this way? And why is it getting worse?

If anything, I should be happy. Things are sort of starting to look up…they’re starting to get into order. I should be happy. But I’m not. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting to find out that something is wrong or I have to wait longer for my stuff to happen.

It sucks, being like this. Being worried and on edge all the time. It’s like when I have time to think about things, everything comes at me at once. This past weekend I was too busy to worry about things and I was enjoying myself. But now…now all I’m doing is worrying. About nothing, seriously. Not a damn thing is in my mind, and yet my mind is all static as though EVERYTHING is on it.

I don’t need anyone to tell me that I have anxiety because I can feel it. I can always feel it.

Musings · Uncategorized

The In Between Place

I’m stuck in the in between spot. Everything in my life, or at least most everything, is sort of up in the air. I don’t particularly like my job, and I’m working on a different career path but it won’t move anywhere until at least February, maybe afterwards.

My family’s adoption process is starting but I’m still waiting for finances to clear to make the appointment with the lawyer. I already had the physical needed, got the letters needed, and now I have to wait to make an appointment.

My writing…well I don’t even know what’s going on with that. I can’t seem to get the motivation/excitement to write but I still want to write. So, I’m stuck with that too.

I am not good at being in the in between spot. I’m quickly learning that I’m not a patient person and if something isn’t going on, if I’m not moving forward, I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. And I get anxious, and depressed. I hate feeling like I’m not accomplishing anything.

It’s been like this for a while but every time I feel like I’m moving forward, for some reason it fizzles out. Or I get so overwhelmed with everything I think I “need” to do that I kind of short out and stop doing everything all together.

I don’t know how to let anything just work out on their own. I don’t know how to wait and see what happens. I think I keep getting in these in between spots because I’m so determined to try to control everything. That, and I hate the unknown. I hate it so, so much.

Usually I get all grouchy when I’m in the in between spot. But this time I’m trying to take it in stride. Every time I worry about getting things done and moving forward, I’m forgetting to enjoy what’s right in front of me now. Even if what’s in front of me isn’t exactly what I want right now.

I don’t want to miss out of things just because I’m worrying about what may or may not happen right away.

So I’m going to try to enjoy the in between space while I have it. Maybe I’ll even find something even more interesting in there! Maybe…

book review · Uncategorized

Book Review: All I Want is You

all i want is youSummary

Cayson is in love with Skye Preston, his best friend for over twenty years. They grew up together, bathed together, and spent every holiday together. Hoarding the secret hasn’t been easy. Every time Cayson sees her with a boyfriend, he wants to smash his fist into a wall. 

But he could never tell her the truth.

The close friendship they have is too good to be ruined. If he confessed his deepest feelings, how would it change what they have? Would he lose her altogether?

But everything changes when Cayson finds Skye at a party, drunk and incoherent. Unable to stand on her own two feet with breath reeking of alcohol, she’s easy prey to the men staring at her noticeable chest. Cayson immediately scoops her into his arms and takes her home. But when they arrive at the house, Skye doesn’t want to sleep. Instead, she wants Cayson in a way she’s never had before. 

What will this mean for their relationship? Is it the start of something Cayson has always dreamed of? Or will it be the end?

In My Opinion…

Caution: May Contain Spoilers

This book came in my email as a free box set of the first three or four books, I believe. I heard of E.L. Todd so I figured, why not? I’m a sucker for romance and best friends who turned into more.

Right off the bat, the book confused me. I understood the concept: all these young adults were best friends and/or related in some way. So they called their friends parent’s aunt and uncle. However, that wasn’t really explained in the beginning so you have Cayson calling Skye’s parents Uncle and Aunt without really understanding that they’re only friends.

And, there were too many characters trying to be the main character. All together there are six or seven characters that always showed up at one point or another. Some are related to Cayson, some are related to Skye, and they’re all friends.

Too confusing.

Still, after I figured out the situation, I continued to read. It’s a cute, corny book that is all the rom-com you’d expect. I was waiting for that fateful moment when Skye gets drunk and Cayson saves her. I was waiting for the AH HA moment when they finally get together.

Except…it never happened. Skye doesn’t “remember” any of it and Cayson doesn’t remind her. He just stomps out, annoyed at Skye and feeling like “it didn’t mean anything to her” because she didn’t mention it.

If they were as close of friends as the book claimed, he should’ve been able to talk to her about it. Or at least admit to her what she did. Cayson shouldn’t have kept that from her and then get annoyed when she didn’t do anything after it.

And then he acts like a little high schooler, ignoring her and getting upset because she is still with her boyfriend. Cayson becomes whiny and almost unbearable. A grown man should not be acting like a high school girl. It really pulled me out of the book and the storyline.

In the end they get together, no surprise there. But the story was drawn out, the plot weak at best.

I might read the second story, maybe it will pick up from there. One can only hope.

The Adventures of the Mr. and Mrs. · Uncategorized

My Days at the Races

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Hey guys!

Last weekend, A and I went to the Maker’s Faire in Queens, NY. He entered two things into the fair and they both were accepted. A entered a drill powered mini bike (yes, it’s a mini bike that runs off a battery operated drill) and a Go Shopping Kart (That’s a shopping cart basked welded to a mini go kart. Oh yea, and you can ride it)

Here are some highlights from the Weekend:

The Mini Bike was just on display. It’s A’s pride and joy and he has worked endlessly to make it perfect.

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How cool is that? It has metal plate on it and it drives really well. In fact, I even rode it yesterday to get it back to the car. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be to ride it (it was my first time riding a mini bike, period) and I was zipping all around.

A rode it around a little to show people what it could do:

And here’s a video of A racing his mini bike against another mini bike that was there. (Which was, also, ridden by a storm trooper every now and then)

A also entered his go kart. I wish I could say that this is the first Go Shopping Kart he’s made, but I can’t. He made another one, a bigger one, a few years ago. But this one that he made the past month, well that one is so much better than the first one!

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Doesn’t he look so proud of this Go Kart? How adorable!

But he didn’t just enter it for people to look at it. A actually raced it. With other people who made go karts. It was like real life Mario Kart, except a lot more violent. These guys were hitting in to each other, trying to take each other out while they were also trying to win. A was the slowest one there, unfortunately. He had to go slowly because the wheels of the go kart were those stupid plastic wheels that had no traction. Every time A tried to turn, he spun out and had to turn around. So he decided to go slowly that way he couldn’t spin out. Unfortunately, going slow didn’t make him much of a contender in the race.

(Side note, I had a few more videos but Youtube is being difficult and can’t put them up 😦 I’m so sad about that.)

At first, people even though A was a joke – they didn’t take his racing seriously. Except when he kept going, even after getting hit, because his cart was made of metal. All metal.

A lot of the teams that were racing were pretty cool. Others sucked, to be honest. Some of them were too uptight, too serious about this race. I mean, I get it, you want to win and want to be noticed. But it’s not like you win anything except bragging rights. It’s all about having fun, in my opinion, and if you become too serious about it, how can you have fun? Seriously.

While we were there, I met the kid from battle bots. You know, the one from the MIT group with the cat ears? Here he is. He was…okay. But he didn’t stick around much: he fluttered between the races and somewhere else.

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Then there was this Bad Ass chick, who was driving a barbie convertible. She was riding it like a Boss and stayed in either first or second place the whole time, with every race. Even when her car broke down, she fixed it and got right back on the road. It was awesome

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At the end of the day, A was super happy that he went to Maker’s Faire and I’m happy that I got to join him. This is how it went:

  • Racing: 14th Place
  • Moxie Points (Crowd Favorite): 2nd Place
  • Overall Rank: 3rd Place

For his first ever race, he was AMAZING! I am so, so proud of him. I can’t wait until next year when we can do it again.

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