Musings · Uncategorized

When I worry about Nothing

I have anxiety. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never actually officially been diagnosed with it, I have it.

Like, right now I feel it. It’s like butterflies in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I’m not doing anything stressful right now, in fact I’m just sitting in a chair, but the anxiety is there. My body clearly thinks something is wrong and my mind is starting to jump from one thought to another.

It’s slowly creeping in on me and I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop it. I’m trying to tell myself that nothing is wrong, that I have nothing to worry about, but my body isn’t listening to reason.

When I get like this, all I want to do is curl up, watch television or read a book, and forget about things for a while. I want my brain to shut off but, unfortunately I can’t do that right now. So, instead, I’m trying to figure out what the source of this anxiety is. Nothing is due, everything is organized, and there are no problems.

So why do I feel this way? And why is it getting worse?

If anything, I should be happy. Things are sort of starting to look up…they’re starting to get into order. I should be happy. But I’m not. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting to find out that something is wrong or I have to wait longer for my stuff to happen.

It sucks, being like this. Being worried and on edge all the time. It’s like when I have time to think about things, everything comes at me at once. This past weekend I was too busy to worry about things and I was enjoying myself. But now…now all I’m doing is worrying. About nothing, seriously. Not a damn thing is in my mind, and yet my mind is all static as though EVERYTHING is on it.

I don’t need anyone to tell me that I have anxiety because I can feel it. I can always feel it.

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