Musings · Uncategorized

…And She Became a Butterfly…

butterfly
Courtesy of pintrest and Nikimac Solutions Inc.

You know that moment when everything changes? The moment schisms your life and you can remember the “before” and “after” the schism? It’s that same moment that alters you, and how you think/act/feel for the rest of your life?

I had one of those moments five years ago and it has dragged me down so much that I can’t even remember how I felt before then.

Five years ago, I found out that thanks to my medical condition, I couldn’t bear any children. If I did, I would risk my life and my baby’s life. I was twenty-four years old and had to make the decision to have my tubes tied.

I was engaged at that time, too, and had to break the news to my fiance (now husband) that we would never be able to have children the traditional way. I gave him an out, multiple outs really. But being the amazing man he is, he said he would stick by me and we would make it work.

So I had the surgery, and everything changed.

My libido, shot to hell. Sex was (is) painful, and all I could think about is how I’m not a “true woman” anymore. Or at least I didn’t feel I was. How could I be a “true woman” if I couldn’t do the obvious woman thing: carry my man’s child. Though it might sound archaic, I felt like less of a person because of this that I had to deal with.

And, remember, I was only twenty-four years old…

So, flash forward five years and, I’ll be honest, I’m miserable. I spent the last five years trying to be the perfect fiancee/wife…stepford wife-ish, really, trying to compensate for what I couldn’t give my husband. Thus I started to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, and doing everything I can to be a “perfect” wife.

As the years gone by, I also became paranoid. Since sex was even more difficult after the surgery, I was worried that my husband was getting sick of it and started worrying that he would find someone else. (He’s never done that before and I trust that he would never do it)

My anxiety/depression over what happened to me took over my life and dragged me down until I was nothing but sad and angry. It got worse and worse over the past five years.

But I refuse to let it take over any more. I made myself a promise that I wouldn’t let this take over me anymore. I’m sick and tired of being upset/paranoid/sad/etc. I’m ruining my own life and my marriage. And I’m so angry all the time…

So I’m done. I’m done looking back, I’m done harping over the past that I can’t change. I am the master of my own fate, my own destiny. I can either continue to let this eat me alive or show it that I’m better than it.

I choose better.

Today is the start of rest of my life and I choose to live it fully!

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